A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce and he asked her, “What are the grounds for your divorce”?
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said. “I mean, what is the foundation of this case”?
“Why, it is made of concrete, of course,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued. “What are your relations like”?
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as, my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge”?
“No,” she replied. “We have a two car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again. “Is there any infidelity in your marriage”?
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up”?
“Yes,” she responded. “About twice a week, he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce”?
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. It’s my husband who does. He says he can’t communicate with me.”
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” “Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.”
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he was curious and asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture”? replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38s!”